Our “never’s” don’t mean anything (Songs written and recorded at the age of 27-36)

Have Ruined Me

1. My grandfather was my first bully
The only good thing he ever did was to die
Pass around boats and praises
To everyone ‘cept his second grandchild
Tell me more about all I’ll never achieve
Tell me more about how you can see through people
Through me, I don’t want it to have ruined me

2. The fat führer on the sofa
Braggin’ about all the heroic stuff he’s done
Sayin’ how he always preferred her
I can hear, I’m invisible, I’m gone
Preparing me for the two who died, for the beatings, for the years in psychotherapy
I don’t want it to have ruined me
(But I think it has)

Br. Pilot, pilot crash another airplane
Architect put me down
I’m just a nurse, not a scientist
Didn’t stop until I was my own best enemy
I don’t want it to have ruined me

3. You set an example to all the men that were to follow in your footsteps
I was an untermensch in your eyes
Your supernatural talents kept you alive without food and water
For days, like a parasite
I’ll never ever like myself, I’ve got you to thank for that, granddaddy
I don’t want you to have ruined me

Murdered A Girl

1. They have murdered a girl
Worked together, now they blame each other
For murdering that girl
Say it wasn’t them, it was her
Attorney yells “Likgiltighetsuppsåt”
Lawyer bows his head
Judge sentence them to 25 to life
For murdering that girl dead

2. They have murdered that girl
No remorse, no regrets
Is this as bad as good gets,
or as good as bad gets?
They just murdered that girl
No special reason, just cause they decided
To murder a girl
Open minded means openly blinded

Br. She screamed: “We’ve got so much in common,
All of us like you, none of us like me
My transformation into you is now complete
I’ve fucked up everything, baby”

3. Then they murdered the girl
Such an easy target, such an easy task
Such an easy victim, not made to last
No bad conscience
They just murdered a girl
They just murdered a girl
They just murdered a girl
Murdered the girl

Bunnies

1. The bunnies are here to protect us
But my heart still pounds through my flesh
I wish you all the good in life
I wish you all the best
I met the devil once, she was all dressed up
At night she haunts me, leave me alone
The bunnies are here to comfort us, from the beasts in the twilight zone

2. The dogs have stopped barking
That don’t mean that they aren’t here
But still I barely get by
Still I’m barely there
Still I am one crazy bitch
I keep pressing my self destruct button
But the dogs are here to protect us, from the beast, and all that’s rotten

3. The birds are on the ground again
No longer in the skies they dance
Can you please send me a living bird
Except from all them dead one’s?
I am in the panic room
With my panic on the shelves
But the birds are there to protect us, from the worst enemies: ourselves

Me and Judas

You broke my heart when you fucked me over
I wondered so many times what I’ve done to deserve this
You left me when I needed you the most
You fucked me over and left me to die

You always hated yourself too much
And your jaws dropped each time I had a piece of luck
Can’t be too much to ask
Couldn’t bare the darkness, couldn’t share the light

You left me when I was drowning
And had to rupe myself to not jump
You left me despite the fact that you were my sister
and I loved you as one

I couldn’t go down with you
Well I never asked you to!
I had my own problems and my own things to attend to
When I tried to help you, you said “no”

You with all that education, you must be able to understand PTSD
Anyway, it was illegal
Anyways, it was your fault
Everything is your fault

You fucked up
No, YOU fucked up
Sorry I’ll make sure to grieve better next time I’m widowed
Better yet, show me you can grieve better when you’re all widowed

Chupacabra

I know exactly what you’re going through, cause I’ve been through something completely different
(fade out)

Reboot

1. Six months, but who’s counting, you sure ain’t
I’ve been so drunk that I’ve puked in taxis, but still I haven’t called you even once yet
I thought our “nevers” didn’t mean anything, but apparently your “always” didn’t mean shit either
Cause you promised you always be around, you promised to be by my side for the rest of my life
But I don’t see you here, anywhere

Ch. Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot
I regret everything, I regret everything
I never should have kissed you, trusted you, opened up or let myself get sucked in
I regret everything
Reboot, reboot
Force quit
Clear recent history
Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot

2. I was waiting for a sign that you missed me, were thinking of me, but I saw nothing, so I get it, you weren’t
But I don’t know when and why you stopped believing in me, you used to think I had an aura, or so you said
What the fuck did I ever do to you?
Where were you when I was singing?
Where were you when I was in the hospital?
Now who gives a fuck about me when you don’t and I don’t
If you don’t let them in, then they can’t hurt you

Ch. Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot
I regret everything, I regret everything
I never should have kissed you, trusted you, opened up or let myself get sucked in
I regret everything
Reboot, reboot
Force quit
Clear recent history
Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot

3. I learned quite a while ago, never trust anyone
For you I thought I’d make an exception, that was a bad idea, a bad plan
I know now you just have yourself and most of the time you don’t even have that
I’m just finishing, what you started
I need a black box to detect why I always crash
This is the last song I ever write about your ass

Ch. Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot
I regret everything, I regret everything
I never should have kissed you, trusted you, opened up or let myself get sucked in
I regret everything
Reboot, reboot
Force quit
Clear recent history
Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot

Grief Monster

1. Long since I wore that necklace
It’s a Grief Monster attack
I need to feel that he’s still with me
That he still got my back
Now I’ve fed up with magical thinking
I’m fed up with the identity
Of being someone’s who’s lost  someone
There’s more than that to me
Finding out that old Facebook “About me” still applies
“Rudys widow since September 19, 2005  - still a mess” yeah sure but I

Ch. Have done some thinking and I’ve done some healing and I’m pretty sure that I
Will always love him, and always miss him, and I’ll never be okay with what happened, but I
Am ready to love again, ready to meet someone new
Someone who loves me too
And I will always be thankful for what he gave me
But I’m letting go of the grief
I’m letting go of us two

2. I couldn’t care less ‘bout their opinions
They don’t know what I’ve done
And if they don’t see how strong I’ve been
Then they’re just plain dumb
I thought "When I die we’ll have eternity together, can’t you let me have him for the next 50 years?"
But I don’t even think about that now, I’m just happy if the grieving’s over

Ch. Cause I’ve done some thinking and I’ve done some healing and I’m pretty sure that I
Will always love him, and always miss him, and I’ll never be okay with what happened, but I
Am ready to love again, ready to meet someone new
Someone who loves me too
And I will always be thankful for what he gave me
But I’m letting go of the grief
I’m letting go of us two

Br. Grief Monster, Grief Monster you can’t hurt me no more
Tired of this mental ménage a trois between Rudy, me and you
So you can wear that long black veil
And you can wear the black ribbons
I quit, I resign, cause I know now that I

Ch. Have done some thinking and I’ve done some healing and I’m pretty sure that I
Will always love him, and always miss him, and I’ll never be okay with what happened, but I
Am ready to love again, ready to meet someone new
Someone who loves me too
And I will always be thankful for what he gave me
But I’m letting go of the grief
I’m letting go of us two

No More Sonogram

1. 3 Johannes before 7 in the morning, yesterday's sonogram, but then there’s that bitch
I know he loves me, though he refuses to say it, no one else ever dragged out any prayers (like I did)
If I ever meet a new him, one thing is for sure, I won’t
Make any decisions that alters my life when I’m that fucking drunk

Ch. Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?
Sister, do you have any idea how pathetic you are?
Any idea why you blow it all to smithereens?
Who do you trust when you can’t trust yourself?

2. 3 Johanneses before 7 in the evening, tossed all the sonograms, because I am a bitch
I thought he loved me, and just refused to say it, but he was pretty precise, come to think of it
He’ll never find anyone stronger than me, but he’ll never find anyone weaker either, so don’t worry

Ch. Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?
With my bible app, what’s that all about?
She’s writing again, what’s that all about?
Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?

Br. One morning you wake up and discover you’re not a very good person, no you’re a bad person, but not bad as in bad ass, no you suck, but not in the good way, anymore
So you think, if it ends it wasn’t worth it in the first place
When he’s the last person still alive that you actually owe anything

Ch. Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?
Who do you trust when your instincts only fucks up everything, time after time, again and again
Who do you trust when you’re your own worst enemy?
If you’re hurting your loved ones, and hurting yourself
Fuck up your whole life, again and again
Who do you trust if you can’t trust yourself?
I still trust him

Things

1. In case you’re wondering how I’m doing
Babe, I think you would be proud
I’m quite happy for the most part
I keep myself busy, I’m still working hard
I did the only thing I could
I did what you wanted to do
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you
And it doesn’t mean I don’t miss you

Ch. Even in case you don’t give a fuck
I still miss you all the time
Even if you forgot all about us
I miss you all the time

2. There are hundreds of things I wanna tell you
Thousands of things I wanna know
From what I’ve heard you’re doing fine
Much happier outside of our world
You were my lover, my something, my… my best friend
Never in a million years would I have thought that would come to an end

Ch. Cause even if I better not
I still miss you all the time
Even though I keep my distance
I miss you all the time

3. I’m full of emotions, feelings and thoughts
Anger, sadness, joy
I really don’t miss what I became, but I sure miss you, boy
I never would have guessed that this would happen
I I thought if any two people could make it work, it'd be us
Guess I was wrong about that one also
One would think I should have learned by now
That there are no promises that can’t be broken, no things that can’t be held against you, no things that can’t blow up in your face, no things that can’t be taken away

Ch. Even if you don’t mention my name
I miss you all the time
Even though I probably shouldn’t
I miss you all the time
Babe, I see you everywhere
I miss you all the fucking time
Even if you don’t want me back
I miss you all the time

This Is NOT Freedom

Intro. This is NOT freedom
This is NOT freedom

1. My man loved me like no other then
My man died and left me on my own and
My next man didn’t wanna be my man
So I went from being Pangaea to us being Laurasia and Gondwana

Ch. This Is NOT freedom
This is NOT freedom

2. It’s all down to the ones and zeros
Lost all respect, I have no more heroes
All my men seem to leave me for gothwhores
All my men they leave me for gothwhores

Ch. This Is NOT freedom
This is NOT freedom

Br. This Is NOT freedom

3. My man died and the next one is just as gone
If You really do exist, come on, come on
All my men preferred blondes till I became one
All my men prefer blondes except me when I am one
This man prefer us to be Laurasia and Gondwana
So congratulations, you won, you won

Ch. This Is NOT freedom
This is NOT freedom

Lament (For Dead Lovers)

Exwidow

1. One day I’ll be your exwidow
Then we’ll be united again
We’ll have all those things we dreamed of
Our wedding day, our two children

2. One day I’ll be yours forever
I’ll rest with you to the end of time
I’ll hold you, I’ll touch you, I’ll kiss you, I’ll take you deep in
I’ll be yours, you’ll be mine

3. One I’ll be your exwidow
But until that day, please set me free
If I’m supposed to be on this earth without you
Then please don’t hate me, please don’t judge me

4. One day I’ll be yours forever
But until then, bless me, hold my hand
It’s okay that you hate him
I would hate her if it was the other way around

5. One day I’ll be your exwidow
Until that day, please let me go
Check up on me, a little once in a while
But help me love, keep me to love
Let me love, let me be loved

Wrong

1. She always worked so fucking hard on her ways and her manners, her appearance and her clothes
But he never saw her, no not really, he loved her clearly, but he didn’t know
She ain’t good enough, yeah she’s too good for you
But that’s not how you see it, you’ll see soon

Ch. That she’s out here doing something, wish you were wrong
She’s out here doing something, you wish she hadn’t done

2. He with his stone cold ice cold heart
How do you function if you don’t even know that you love?
Stupid man, you’ll never find anyone better
She’ll never find anyone, who could make her sadder
Than he does, he takes off, he’s gone

Ch. And you’re out there doing something, she wish she was wrong
He is out there doing something, she wish he hadn’t done

Br. You’re the one who writes this book
You’re the one who plays the boss
But everything is still uncertain
Until she’s gone, you don’t know what you lost

Ch. And she’s out there doing something, you’ll know you were wrong
And she’s out there doing something, you’ll know you were wrong

Valkyria

1. Blood leaches, mosquitoes, suck out the poison that runs in my veins
Exorcists and voodoo men, work your mojo to make me forget him
Remove your death pointer, set me free, leave me the fuck alone
Sara is entering “I don’t give a fuck” mode and don’t plan to exit anytime soon
Sanatorium, crematorium, referential skulls though, we’ll do what we’ll do
Anoypid pig with face blindness, referential skulls, will do what we’ll do
There are thousands of Saras, one who wants to die, one who wants to forget
One who wants you to suffer, one to say “are we there yet?”
One who screams “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore” well it’s not like you have a choice
One who wants to die just like you, cause she wants to know what it was like for you to die
Their lack of enthusiasm confuses all Sara’s; how can a human be totally empty inside?

2. Kill the pain with Coltrane, I kill friendship after friendship or whatever it was
Only thing that you showed me is bad conscience's just the fear of getting caught
But I’ve got new things to rule me, new things who move me, new lies to lie, new death to die, new seas to cry, new guys to wake desire, then despise, then dump me and leave this dumb bitch
You and I had a VIP entrance to the emergency room
Now I wanna go on, I wanna be loved again, I wanna smile and laugh and move on

3. Lord, Jesus, Saints and Saviors, God and Angels, give him to me
What’s the fucking point with falling in love again, if it just makes me this unhappy?
Lord, Jesus, Saints and Saviors, God and Angels, give me his love
I’ll do anything, exactly anything, here’s my mind, here’s my blood

Narcissus

1. They forgot to write that song about the widow who was given her life back
Just to get robbed of it, crash-land, get her heart broken again
You see it like we always break up, I see it as we always end up together
I fuck up but I do it just to prove our “nevers” don’t mean anything

Ch. Narcissus, let me open your heart
Narcissus, I write your name on my skin
Narcissus, I sleep with your toothbrush pressed to my lips
Narcissus, give me a chance, let me in

2. All the clocks in my house show different time
To keep me running, to jumpstart my mind
I’m/it’s  the longest relationship you’ve never had, that’s got to account for something
Well excuse me if I sometimes forget how to play
I’m not the one who set up the rules
I don’t want to wash my hair, it still wears the scent of your cologne

Ch. Narcissus, let me open your heart
Narcissus, I write your name on my skin
Narcissus, he died on the cross but oooh, you baptized me
Narcissus, I love you, let me win

Br. It’s scary to love someone without the ability to recognize love
I’ll do it, but not at any cost, I don’t do at any cost anymore
You underestimate us, you don’t know what we are
But our “nevers” don’t mean anything
Our “nevers” don’t mean anything
Our “nevers” don’t mean anything
Our “nevers” don’t mean anything

Ch. Narcissus, please open your heart
Narcissus, I write your name on my skin
Narcissus, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
Narcissus, I love you, let me in

White Car

1. Desperation and confusion IRL, so I ask for you to answer me in my dreams
So you crash your white car into my mama’s car, how the fuck am I supposed to know what that means?
I’ve started making progress as I’ve come to my senses, but I lost my marbles in the process instead
So with a smile you crash a white car into my mama’s car just to show you’re not gone, you’re just dead

2. The what ifs are hanging like a coat on my back, I’ve got the what if decease it seems (the what ifs)
Been hit by a truck, a few men, but this white car, I really don’t have a clue what you mean (on my back)
I wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for you, cause you fucking bailed on me (when I dream)
This crashing a white car into my mamas car business, is that some form of apology?

3. I’m begging for forgiveness, and I’m begging you for answers, I beg you’ll give them to me when I sleep (sound of ghosts)
So you crash a white car into my mama’s car, and I really don’t know what that means (when I wake)
Family libido, working class libido, married guy libido and then I obsess
Do you crash a white car into my mama’s car just to say you always were the biggest mess? (bail on me)

4. I’d like to walk here with you, I’d like to show this to you, I’d like to share this with you but I can’t (walk here with you)
Perhaps you crash a white car into my mama’s car just to prove you’ll always be my man (show you grace)

Dead, Dead Horses

1. I’m always beating dead, dead horses
Try to resurrect what is long gone
Try to save what can’t be rescued
Fighting battles that can’t be won

2. So I always wind up empty handed
Don Quixote and yet another meaningless crusade
Exercise my demons to make ‘em stronger
Sayin’ “at least my fractures are handicraft, man-made”

3. I’m always beating dead, dead horses
Building things that I know won’t last
2 years a missing chapter since my babe died
Everything happens for a reason… my ass!

4. So I always wind up empty handed
Cause I scare them all off with the stories I tell
Then again, I guess you can question
If you’re a real femme fatale if you scare only yourself

5. So I keep on beating dead, dead horses
Still trying to save when I know it’s too late
Keep on hoping for a new chance, new romance
Try to recover, try to replace

Sugar Rush

1. I don’t want to do this/ go through this
I just want a quick fix
I just want a new man
One who dies after I do
I know I fuck around, know I’m acting like a whore
But it’s you that I love/want, only you that I adore

Ch. My sugar rush
My sugar rush

2. I just want a mercy fuck
Mercy fuck me baby
I’m gonna close my eyes for a second
And for a change/that second it ain’t gonna be him that I see
And I know I jump all men, know I’m acting slut a slut
It’s just my way of trying to fool myself that I forgot

Ch. Ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah

Br. Dribble, drobble, wibble, wobble, here we go once more
Cross my legs and hope to die, he’s there outside my door
He kicks me down, we tumble round and round down on the floor
And he fucks me like I’ve never been fucked before

Ch. My sugar rush
My sugar rush

3. Don’t you dare be mad at me
Don’t blame me for this
Blame your own fucking dying
Blame your own Judas kiss
I hate that I’ve adopted your self-destruct routine
Since I know quick fixes didn’t work for you
And they don’t work for me

Ch. My sugar rush
My sugar rush

Doggie

1. Daddy don’t die on me
Not quite yet
I still need a favor
I just have a slide show
And I need some help
To straighten my case out

2. The thing is I was born dead
My mama had a still born child (me)
There ain’t a lot you can do ‘bout that/death
The door blew shut in my face
In your home I saw a hook
That seemed to hold a hanging body
Tired of being mad
We had a messy love life
No we didn’t have nothing
Absolutely nothing

3. Cause my mama had a still born
So I walk the streets in my black veil
I visit my own grave
And nobody knows
And nobody sees
Nobody knows, but me

4. The Madonna has fallen
The angels’ wings burned
The sheets lost their whiteness
Fool forgot when she learned
How I miss my innocence
It’s what made me different from the rest
I never use the word love again
I made it a dirty mess
He was my master, the lord of the universe
The king, the everything, I need him so badly

Ch. Two legged dog, come to daddy, sit in lap
Up it jumps, like a frog
Come to daddy, roll over
Flipping, turning, how mad, that dog
Lay my doggie, lay, the dog lays, the dog obeys
Bark you hairy filthy monster
I will bark at your command, barking lying on the ground
I have had enough of you, leave, never, never, doggie pleads
Doggie, I demand you die, sorry master already done that

5. Daddy don’t die on me
Not just yet
Lift my head, lift me
I fall on my own, can’t stand straight
Your interest wasn’t of that kind
Wouldn’t have helped anyway

6. You don’t want a girlfriend
Who don’t know what you say
Why can’t impress you
Or anyone else, in any kind of way
You shouldn’t think I want you
I just need guidance, cause I’m really lost

7. What have I learned from this?
Absolutely nothing
I ruined what was over
Before it even begun
Living minute to minute now
And every minute hurts
I need him, is that so awful?
To have him, too much to ask for?
7.40.18 that’s the time that he dies
Infrared chisel eyes, infrared chisel eyes

8. He said, I’m not unhappy
Cause I know we’ll meet again
Not thinking he was supposed to be
Unhappy that I left
You know I’m not the kinda girl
You can do this kinda thing to
Cause I never live to tell about it
Neither will you
I learned one thing though from all this baby
To never date a man, with a caller id

Ch. Man stepped on a bus to hell, asked me to come with
Of course I did
I follow him anywhere, even to hell
He threw me off, I found myself riding in a car to hell
He drove me to a different hell, away from yours

Marla

Ch. Marla le roi, he ain’t got nothing on you
Den teflonsjälade smutsiga horan, that we all knew
He steals, he tries to break all your maids minds
Marla my dear, you better look out for your son too

1. You don’t exist, tu n’existe pas, you’re just a sonic bomb
You won’t shut up but you can’t hurt me physically
You’re a good influence, on a chic that’s supposed to die
Supposed to jump from buildings, hang from ceilings, swallow the pills she’s got left according to her destiny
“Next time I’ll cook only healthy meals
To the next man I’ll cook only healthy food”
The puppy love bitch couldn’t make it, I guess
Due to unwholesome excuses from you fucking amateurs

Ch. Marla le roi, he says he’ll light not candles
It’s just prosopagnosis, vs an eternal anti-orgasm
You’ll die and like Phoenix you’ll rise from your ashes to take on his form

2. “I allowed myself to get sloppy, sloppy, it won’t happen again
I allowed you to make me sloppy, it won’t happen again
I allowed myself to feel again, be sure it won’t happen again
This one’s closed and won’t reopen, ever, ever again
To all you unprofessional peeps out there, from now I reserve all platonic love for myself
And if I seem slightly palliative, it’s just may BDD kicking in again”
Ding dong, the bitch is gone

Ch. Marla, metal’s the road to women liberation
Your soldier died and left no heir behind
And you got the fucking nerve you scream, you have no fucking right

3. I see you on the barricades, I scream from the barracades
I’m just a chaos junkie on the barriers
Screaming from my balcony
Guess that parthenogenesis would come in handy
Don’t worry Marla, it’s just phantom pain
Seem female foeticide had been suitable
To save us from this crazy reine
They were right those who despised me
Every single one of them were right
I who thought they were narrow-minded was proven wrong, they knew all along, how amazing they can see straight through me when I can’t

Ch. Marla le roi, I think that he might kill you
Don’t you dare laugh in the guillotine
Even if you don’t give a fuck, it’s impolite to the crowd who’s watching
It falls, she dies, le roi will take on a less crazy wife
Marla, ma reine, look out for every single man

Hard Not To Jump

1. I was 15 the first time I almost died
First time a man stuck a gun to my side
He said he would kill me, I didn’t care if he fired
So I kept walking

2. And that doctor who raped me when I was only twelve
Didn’t scream, didn’t cry, kept it all to myself
Didn’t press charges, how many little girls have you fucked since then?
I won’t be talking
All the beatings I’ve taken, all the mess I cleaned up
The crimes I committed when the going went rough
I tried to save someone, won’t do it again
Cause I suck at saving, and sometimes it’s me who need aid

Ch. Cause it’s hard not to jump
It’s hard not to go
Not jumping takes all my effort
And I really don’t know what for
It’s hard not to jump
Not jumping is hard to do
It’s hard not to give in
When everybody wants you to

3. There’s an angel falling from a building
And the bullets around his head are flying
The cops aren’t supposed to be firing
But they’ve got their phone books and their tricks up their sleeves
I bring the amas, Phyllis, Laodamia and Briseis
We jump from the 8th floor and land on the streets
Is that what they call a window of opportunities?

Ch. Cause it’s hard not to jump
It’s hard not to go
Not jumping takes all my effort
And I really don’t know what for
It’s hard not to jump
Not jumping is hard to do
It’s hard not to give in
When everybody wants you to

Br. We’re the same, with all the filthy old men that used to fuck us
We’re the same, Christ how much blood is there to see?
We’re the same, cause no one else will ever love us
We’re the same, cause I will jump and then we’re dead both you and me   

Ch. It’s too hard not to jump
It’s too hard not to go
Not jumping takes all my effort
And I really don’t know what for
It’s too hard not to jump
Not jumping, is too hard to do
It’s too hard not to give in
When everybody wants you to

Methkicking

1. I told you “I think about you only once a day, but that it last 24 hours”
You answered: “baby, without you, I rot and die”
Who can blame the world for being jealous
(who can blame ‘em) that they ain’t got a love like ours
I took on anything to make you mine
Before I met you I was aiming for my death
Now baby, listen, I’m gonna kick that meth

Ch. Meth kicking, Meth kicking, Meth kicking
Meth kicking, Meth kicking, Meth kicking

2. I said “babe I hope that you don’t hate me cause you’re always in my, my fucking heart”
All that hatred that made me self medicate
Seems I was given a second chance to make a new start
But sometimes baby, I can’t help it, it all gets black from the hatred
I have hated myself all this time, so have everyone else
Only you have ever loved me, and for you I’ll quit my man cutting

Ch. Man cutting, man cutting
Man cutting, man cutting, mad man cutting

3. I said "baby I wish you could walk in my shoes, only for a day"
There’s no way in the world you would survive
All that I’ve done, seen and been, you wouldn’t believe
When you were still playing with Barbie dolls, I watched my first friend die
Sometimes I think I’m a really bad person, and I think you do too
It’s just hard to believe anyone could love me, as much as you do, but for you
I’ll quit my me kicking

Ch. Me kicking, me kicking
Me kicking, me kicking, me kicking

(by Sara Lodin & Rudy Du Jardin)

5 Hair

Intro. 5 Hair, 5 Hail, 5 Hair

1. Giving birth on a cliff with the vultures and crows flying about attacking and nibbling my feet
Waves crashes and gray skies, in a gray dress, giving birth to a black eyed black haired daughter with a secret name
Named after victims of feminicide, rape and widows, like the one I became 
The firstborn was a son, of the twins first he came 
The waves crash around us, but only I remain 
Losing you, losing future, losing our children 
Weddingcans replaced with bouquets hate, hate, hate em 

Ch. 5 hair ripped from the man who is gone 
One day I’ll use them to clone You’ll be reborn
5 hair ripped from the glorious head they grew upon 
One day I’ll clone you and raise you as my son 

2. Giving birth on a floor in a room with apricot walls, disguised as turquoise 
He stretches over and tears the things from the desk (to wake me) when the pain kicks in and dead maggots crawl out of my womb 
12 children what do we name ‘em?
Noel, Nathanael, Gabriel, Daniel, Sebastian, Christian 
Aurora, Nadine, Natalia, Cayenne, Olinda (Hilla) plus the secret name 
12 disciples and you in the middle 

Ch. 5 hair ripped from the man who is gone 
One day I’ll use them to clone You’ll be reborn 
5 hair ripped from the glorious head they grew upon
One day I’ll clone you and raise you as my son 

3. Giving birth to a stalactite nosed daughter, out of my stalactite eyes 
The girl whose name ain’t a well kept secret, out of your ashes she’ll rise 
When this life is all over, the only ones I’ll thank, the only ones I’ll be indebted to 
Are my imaginary friends, they’re the ones who helped me through 
My house has burned down to the ground, where the hell do you hide when even God’s an arsonist? 
Cause who the fuck are you trying to fool you dumb bitch? Your man is long gone and no children exist 

Ch. 5 hair ripped from the man who is gone 
Good luck you dumb bitch with your carrying on 
5 hair ripped from the glorious head they grew upon.
You dumb fucking bitch, you always knew you would wind up alone

Chemicals

1. Our home has turned into a mausoleum 
A true Artemisia I’ve become 
I kiss chemicals and taste you
Baby come home 

(Come back to me, Rudy)

2. Een bloedklonter in z’n hart and a stake through mine 
The vampire chase is on 
Territorial me, I’m dust too 
Rudy, come on home 

3. I’ve given up like Keyser Söze 
The family killer I’ve become 
I sacrifice anything to anyone 
Just to get you home 

4. A new dimension of knowledge 
Salvador Dali I’ve become 
I’ve given fakearama a new interpretation 
Rudy come home 

5. Sacral from earthly and human 
A god you have become 
The Holy Grail you are now 
Rudy just come home

6. Needle, bottle, pills 
You I have become
You I am now 
Baby just come home 

7. I’ve lost all my symbols 
The drama queen’s dead and gone
I kiss chemicals and smell you 
Baby please come home 
I’ve lost all my symbols, I’ve lost all my symbols
I kiss chemicals, I kiss chemicals

Love Love Lover

1. I cut my hair 2 times since you died 
The weeks pass fast, it’s been 4 months tonight
And my friends are all changing subjects, I guess to them your yesterdays news
So they nag and moan and complain bout their lives 
Repress and wallow, that’s their words of advice 
But I have no idea how I’m supposed to recover 
How do you recover from the death of your lover? 

Ch. Love love lover burned to ashes 
Melting eyeballs, burning eyelashes 
Cut up from the chin, cut up blue skin 
On my love, love, lover

2. My friends all says that I need to push through
That I need a doctor, someone to talk to 
And boy do I feel stupid, I kinda thought that was what friends were for 
They all say they feel sorry for me
As if anyone ever was helped of pity 
How to heal is yet to discover
By the one who lost her love love lover 

Ch. Love love lover in a burning coffin 
Pot full of ashes, a priest sends/sent you off and 
I stay here and watch you rest by the side of your beloved brother 

3. I’ve become the saddest love story they’ve ever heard 
They won’t comfort me, afraid to use the wrong words 
But just like all girls hate their happiest friend, they hate the friend that’s the most unhappy 
Cause the truth is they hate me cause my grief make ‘em feel
Ashamed cause they fake their torments/to fake their torments and they envy me for suffering for real
But I have no idea how I’m supposed to stop suffer 
Stop suffer after the death of my lover

Ch. No love lover for the family dinner
Empty plate, empty place, leaves more space for the living 
Somehow life goes on
For everyone but me and my love love lover 

Rite Of Passage

1. All the morning trees in the garden of grief are dead, but no more trees are gonna die in your name
My grief wasn’t bigger than anyone else’s weep no more, never again I’ll bathe with you, wash you and dry you, ain’t that a shame
I jumped for you, it was rough, but not as hard as it will be, when it’s all over, I know what the last line will be
This might take the rest of the night, but that’s better than the rest of my life, this has to stay between me
I read to you, admire it, a special little killer speech, I’ll never have another hero again
We were dehydrated, drank positive energy, maybe you were my birthday, dance for me, be happy my friend

Ch. No more hours in chains, no more time in shackles
This is a rite of passage

2. I glorified my grief, placed it on a pedestal, adored my hurt, it gave me a reason I didn’t really need back then
I know you knew nothin’, still embarrassed, you’re wrong, but that no longer is my problem
It was good to keep up envy energy, hating you instead of me
I’ll try not to wake up my dead cat Cleopatra, who’ll open my door and warm my belly

3. No more cryin’ for you bitches, I carried more than you all by myself
There’s nothing I can do anymore for you, and won’t let you stop me from living again
Bitches you stood me up, when I fell to the floor in silly attacks
But I’m not embarrassed, cause you gave embarrassing a brand new dimension, cowards
Not even drugs can explain your behaviour, you should have seen yourself
Know nothing, wonder if you’re still alive, I’m cutting you out
It didn’t mean that much to you, now you don’t mean that much to me, my grief’s no bigger than that

4. I won’t spend another hour, aching for people who don’t weep for me
You’ve kept me awake for far too long, wondering “can pretty people really be that unhappy?”
Wondering would you still not care for me, if you saw me like this, haven’t I said this before?
I’m over it now, I’ll forgive you, till then I try not to resort to violence, that’s as far as I can go
Draw a map, a diagram, sort everything out, brown dog
False beginnings, did you really take it that hard?
Stupid girls, are not as cute as they think, I drink from the glass, brand new start

Ch. No more hours in chains, no more time in shackles
This is a rite of passage

Outro. I fail to weep or go to sleep, a rite of passage to pass through
I know now you wished that I just remained unhappy, but I didn’t and now I forgive you

Sacrifice (To Whoever Got Him Now)

1. Here you go my enemy
He’s all yours now 
I nursed and clothed and fed your son
And now you want him back 
As soon as I walked into his life 
You pulled your hand away 
But now it’s your time to cry
He’s your sleepless night 
Your worried day
First birth, death, then rebirth, now redeath and I choke on the memory
Of me sitting in a taxi praying God, if I ever have to die, right now is great for me

Ch. And you don’t know what it’s like
To be the one left behind 
No you don’t know what it’s like 
To be the one left behind 

2. Our synchronized hearts have stopped beating 
Don’t think for a second you’re alone 
My life is over just like yours
It’s no coincidence also my name’s on your gravestone
Everything they did to you 
I have to pay for 
Cause you forgot the most important ground rule 
Your past is not my fault 
And I pray “please God kill the other six billion, and give him back to me”
We start anew, a brand new world, he a new Adam, me a new Eve

Ch. And you don’t know what it’s like 
To be the one left behind 
No you don’t know what it’s like
To be the one left behind 

3. I can not come to terms with the transformation 
How you turned from my darling/baby, (so) full of life 
Into a statue of Stefano Maderno set in color 
Or a portrait by Dürer or of Christ 
Everything they did to you 
You paid back with impudence 
Cause you forgot the most important ground rule 
The unforgivable can not be avenged 
We were supposed to be together forever and ever, I thought we both agreed
God, I didn’t say I wanted to die, I just think it would be the best for me

Ch. And you don’t know what it’s like 
To be the one left behind 
No you don’t know what it’s like 
To be the one left behind 

Br. Expect the worse, expect the worst, then getting the worst, then getting the worst, shoved down my/your throat 
Come to realize there are no safe ways, there are no safe days, there’s no safe time, there are no safe rides, there are no safe doors
No, you don’t know what it’s like to be left behind on your own
Then again I have no idea what it’s like to die on a floor alone 
You buried your brother and now it’s your time to fall 
So who more needs to die for us to be equals?

4. Very soon my enemy 
“He’s all mine”, you said 
I begged “Please don’t take him 
Take me instead”
There were lots and lots and lots of love in your heart 
But not enough time to pull you through 
I guess if God let his own son die 
Then why not you? 
No my love, I refuse to accept, I refuse to let you go, I will not set you free 
Every time I hear the door slam I pray, “please let it be him coming home to me” 

Ch. And you don’t know what it’s like 
To be the one left behind 
No you don’t know what it’s like 
To be the one left behind