Have Ruined Me

    1. My grandfather was my first bully
    The only good thing he ever did was to die
    Pass around boats and praises
    To everyone ‘cept his second grandchild
    Tell me more about all I’ll never achieve
    Tell me more about how you can see through people
    Through me, I don’t want it to have ruined me

    2. The fat führer on the sofa
    Braggin’ about all the heroic stuff he’s done
    Sayin’ how he always preferred her
    I can hear, I’m invisible, I’m gone
    Preparing me for the two who died, for the beatings, for the years in psychotherapy
    I don’t want it to have ruined me
    (But I think it has)

    Br. Pilot, pilot crash another airplane
    Architect put me down
    I’m just a nurse, not a scientist
    Didn’t stop until I was my own best enemy
    I don’t want it to have ruined me

    3. You set an example to all the men that were to follow in your footsteps
    I was an untermensch in your eyes
    Your supernatural talents kept you alive without food and water
    For days, like a parasite
    I’ll never ever like myself, I’ve got you to thank for that, granddaddy
    I don’t want you to have ruined me

    Murdered A Girl

    1. They have murdered a girl
    Worked together, now they blame each other
    For murdering that girl
    Say it wasn’t them, it was her
    Attorney yells “Likgiltighetsuppsåt”
    Lawyer bows his head
    Judge sentence them to 25 to life
    For murdering that girl dead

    2. They have murdered that girl
    No remorse, no regrets
    Is this as bad as good gets,
    or as good as bad gets?
    They just murdered that girl
    No special reason, just cause they decided
    To murder a girl
    Open minded means openly blinded

    Br. She screamed: “We’ve got so much in common,
    All of us like you, none of us like me
    My transformation into you is now complete
    I’ve fucked up everything, baby”

    3. Then they murdered the girl
    Such an easy target, such an easy task
    Such an easy victim, not made to last
    No bad conscience
    They just murdered a girl
    They just murdered a girl
    They just murdered a girl
    Murdered the girl

    Bunnies

    1. The bunnies are here to protect us
    But my heart still pounds through my flesh
    I wish you all the good in life
    I wish you all the best
    I met the devil once, she was all dressed up
    At night she haunts me, leave me alone
    The bunnies are here to comfort us, from the beasts in the twilight zone

    2. The dogs have stopped barking
    That don’t mean that they aren’t here
    But still I barely get by
    Still I’m barely there
    Still I am one crazy bitch
    I keep pressing my self destruct button
    But the dogs are here to protect us, from the beast, and all that’s rotten

    3. The birds are on the ground again
    No longer in the skies they dance
    Can you please send me a living bird
    Except from all them dead one’s?
    I am in the panic room
    With my panic on the shelves
    But the birds are there to protect us, from the worst enemies: ourselves

    Me and Judas

    You broke my heart when you fucked me over
    I wondered so many times what I’ve done to deserve this
    You left me when I needed you the most
    You fucked me over and left me to die

    You always hated yourself too much
    And your jaws dropped each time I had a piece of luck
    Can’t be too much to ask
    Couldn’t bare the darkness, couldn’t share the light

    You left me when I was drowning
    And had to rupe myself to not jump
    You left me despite the fact that you were my sister
    and I loved you as one

    I couldn’t go down with you
    Well I never asked you to!
    I had my own problems and my own things to attend to
    When I tried to help you, you said “no”

    You with all that education, you must be able to understand PTSD
    Anyway, it was illegal
    Anyways, it was your fault
    Everything is your fault

    You fucked up
    No, YOU fucked up
    Sorry I’ll make sure to grieve better next time I’m widowed
    Better yet, show me you can grieve better when you’re all widowed

    Chupacabra

    I know exactly what you’re going through, cause I’ve been through something completely different
    (fade out)

    Reboot

    1. Six months, but who’s counting, you sure ain’t
    I’ve been so drunk that I’ve puked in taxis, but still I haven’t called you even once yet
    I thought our “nevers” didn’t mean anything, but apparently your “always” didn’t mean shit either
    Cause you promised you always be around, you promised to be by my side for the rest of my life
    But I don’t see you here, anywhere

    Ch. Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot
    I regret everything, I regret everything
    I never should have kissed you, trusted you, opened up or let myself get sucked in
    I regret everything
    Reboot, reboot
    Force quit
    Clear recent history
    Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot

    2. I was waiting for a sign that you missed me, were thinking of me, but I saw nothing, so I get it, you weren’t
    But I don’t know when and why you stopped believing in me, you used to think I had an aura, or so you said
    What the fuck did I ever do to you?
    Where were you when I was singing?
    Where were you when I was in the hospital?
    Now who gives a fuck about me when you don’t and I don’t
    If you don’t let them in, then they can’t hurt you

    Ch. Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot
    I regret everything, I regret everything
    I never should have kissed you, trusted you, opened up or let myself get sucked in
    I regret everything
    Reboot, reboot
    Force quit
    Clear recent history
    Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot

    3. I learned quite a while ago, never trust anyone
    For you I thought I’d make an exception, that was a bad idea, a bad plan
    I know now you just have yourself and most of the time you don’t even have that
    I’m just finishing, what you started
    I need a black box to detect why I always crash
    This is the last song I ever write about your ass

    Ch. Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot
    I regret everything, I regret everything
    I never should have kissed you, trusted you, opened up or let myself get sucked in
    I regret everything
    Reboot, reboot
    Force quit
    Clear recent history
    Reboot, reboot, reboot, reboot

    Grief Monster

    1. Long since I wore that necklace
    It’s a Grief Monster attack
    I need to feel that he’s still with me
    That he still got my back
    Now I’ve fed up with magical thinking
    I’m fed up with the identity
    Of being someone’s who’s lost  someone
    There’s more than that to me
    Finding out that old Facebook “About me” still applies
    “Rudys widow since September 19, 2005  - still a mess” yeah sure but I

    Ch. Have done some thinking and I’ve done some healing and I’m pretty sure that I
    Will always love him, and always miss him, and I’ll never be okay with what happened, but I
    Am ready to love again, ready to meet someone new
    Someone who loves me too
    And I will always be thankful for what he gave me
    But I’m letting go of the grief
    I’m letting go of us two

    2. I couldn’t care less ‘bout their opinions
    They don’t know what I’ve done
    And if they don’t see how strong I’ve been
    Then they’re just plain dumb
    I thought "When I die we’ll have eternity together, can’t you let me have him for the next 50 years?"
    But I don’t even think about that now, I’m just happy if the grieving’s over

    Ch. Cause I’ve done some thinking and I’ve done some healing and I’m pretty sure that I
    Will always love him, and always miss him, and I’ll never be okay with what happened, but I
    Am ready to love again, ready to meet someone new
    Someone who loves me too
    And I will always be thankful for what he gave me
    But I’m letting go of the grief
    I’m letting go of us two

    Br. Grief Monster, Grief Monster you can’t hurt me no more
    Tired of this mental ménage a trois between Rudy, me and you
    So you can wear that long black veil
    And you can wear the black ribbons
    I quit, I resign, cause I know now that I

    Ch. Have done some thinking and I’ve done some healing and I’m pretty sure that I
    Will always love him, and always miss him, and I’ll never be okay with what happened, but I
    Am ready to love again, ready to meet someone new
    Someone who loves me too
    And I will always be thankful for what he gave me
    But I’m letting go of the grief
    I’m letting go of us two

    No More Sonogram

    1. 3 Johannes before 7 in the morning, yesterday's sonogram, but then there’s that bitch
    I know he loves me, though he refuses to say it, no one else ever dragged out any prayers (like I did)
    If I ever meet a new him, one thing is for sure, I won’t
    Make any decisions that alters my life when I’m that fucking drunk

    Ch. Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?
    Sister, do you have any idea how pathetic you are?
    Any idea why you blow it all to smithereens?
    Who do you trust when you can’t trust yourself?

    2. 3 Johanneses before 7 in the evening, tossed all the sonograms, because I am a bitch
    I thought he loved me, and just refused to say it, but he was pretty precise, come to think of it
    He’ll never find anyone stronger than me, but he’ll never find anyone weaker either, so don’t worry

    Ch. Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?
    With my bible app, what’s that all about?
    She’s writing again, what’s that all about?
    Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?

    Br. One morning you wake up and discover you’re not a very good person, no you’re a bad person, but not bad as in bad ass, no you suck, but not in the good way, anymore
    So you think, if it ends it wasn’t worth it in the first place
    When he’s the last person still alive that you actually owe anything

    Ch. Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?
    Who do you trust when your instincts only fucks up everything, time after time, again and again
    Who do you trust when you’re your own worst enemy?
    If you’re hurting your loved ones, and hurting yourself
    Fuck up your whole life, again and again
    Who do you trust if you can’t trust yourself?
    I still trust him

    Things

    1. In case you’re wondering how I’m doing
    Babe, I think you would be proud
    I’m quite happy for the most part
    I keep myself busy, I’m still working hard
    I did the only thing I could
    I did what you wanted to do
    But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you
    And it doesn’t mean I don’t miss you

    Ch. Even in case you don’t give a fuck
    I still miss you all the time
    Even if you forgot all about us
    I miss you all the time

    2. There are hundreds of things I wanna tell you
    Thousands of things I wanna know
    From what I’ve heard you’re doing fine
    Much happier outside of our world
    You were my lover, my something, my… my best friend
    Never in a million years would I have thought that would come to an end

    Ch. Cause even if I better not
    I still miss you all the time
    Even though I keep my distance
    I miss you all the time

    3. I’m full of emotions, feelings and thoughts
    Anger, sadness, joy
    I really don’t miss what I became, but I sure miss you, boy
    I never would have guessed that this would happen
    I I thought if any two people could make it work, it'd be us
    Guess I was wrong about that one also
    One would think I should have learned by now
    That there are no promises that can’t be broken, no things that can’t be held against you, no things that can’t blow up in your face, no things that can’t be taken away

    Ch. Even if you don’t mention my name
    I miss you all the time
    Even though I probably shouldn’t
    I miss you all the time
    Babe, I see you everywhere
    I miss you all the fucking time
    Even if you don’t want me back
    I miss you all the time

    This Is NOT Freedom

    Intro. This is NOT freedom
    This is NOT freedom

    1. My man loved me like no other then
    My man died and left me on my own and
    My next man didn’t wanna be my man
    So I went from being Pangaea to us being Laurasia and Gondwana

    Ch. This Is NOT freedom
    This is NOT freedom

    2. It’s all down to the ones and zeros
    Lost all respect, I have no more heroes
    All my men seem to leave me for gothwhores
    All my men they leave me for gothwhores

    Ch. This Is NOT freedom
    This is NOT freedom

    Br. This Is NOT freedom

    3. My man died and the next one is just as gone
    If You really do exist, come on, come on
    All my men preferred blondes till I became one
    All my men prefer blondes except me when I am one
    This man prefer us to be Laurasia and Gondwana
    So congratulations, you won, you won

    Ch. This Is NOT freedom
    This is NOT freedom

    Lament (For Dead Lovers)

     

    Exwidow

    1. One day I’ll be your exwidow
    Then we’ll be united again
    We’ll have all those things we dreamed of
    Our wedding day, our two children

    2. One day I’ll be yours forever
    I’ll rest with you to the end of time
    I’ll hold you, I’ll touch you, I’ll kiss you, I’ll take you deep in
    I’ll be yours, you’ll be mine

    3. One I’ll be your exwidow
    But until that day, please set me free
    If I’m supposed to be on this earth without you
    Then please don’t hate me, please don’t judge me

    4. One day I’ll be yours forever
    But until then, bless me, hold my hand
    It’s okay that you hate him
    I would hate her if it was the other way around

    5. One day I’ll be your exwidow
    Until that day, please let me go
    Check up on me, a little once in a while
    But help me love, keep me to love
    Let me love, let me be loved

    Wrong

    1. She always worked so fucking hard on her ways and her manners, her appearance and her clothes
    But he never saw her, no not really, he loved her clearly, but he didn’t know
    She ain’t good enough, yeah she’s too good for you
    But that’s not how you see it, you’ll see soon

    Ch. That she’s out here doing something, wish you were wrong
    She’s out here doing something, you wish she hadn’t done

    2. He with his stone cold ice cold heart
    How do you function if you don’t even know that you love?
    Stupid man, you’ll never find anyone better
    She’ll never find anyone, who could make her sadder
    Than he does, he takes off, he’s gone

    Ch. And you’re out there doing something, she wish she was wrong
    He is out there doing something, she wish he hadn’t done

    Br. You’re the one who writes this book
    You’re the one who plays the boss
    But everything is still uncertain
    Until she’s gone, you don’t know what you lost

    Ch. And she’s out there doing something, you’ll know you were wrong
    And she’s out there doing something, you’ll know you were wrong

    Valkyria

    1. Blood leaches, mosquitoes, suck out the poison that runs in my veins
    Exorcists and voodoo men, work your mojo to make me forget him
    Remove your death pointer, set me free, leave me the fuck alone
    Sara is entering “I don’t give a fuck” mode and don’t plan to exit anytime soon
    Sanatorium, crematorium, referential skulls though, we’ll do what we’ll do
    Anoypid pig with face blindness, referential skulls, will do what we’ll do
    There are thousands of Saras, one who wants to die, one who wants to forget
    One who wants you to suffer, one to say “are we there yet?”
    One who screams “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore” well it’s not like you have a choice
    One who wants to die just like you, cause she wants to know what it was like for you to die
    Their lack of enthusiasm confuses all Sara’s; how can a human be totally empty inside?

    2. Kill the pain with Coltrane, I kill friendship after friendship or whatever it was
    Only thing that you showed me is bad conscience's just the fear of getting caught
    But I’ve got new things to rule me, new things who move me, new lies to lie, new death to die, new seas to cry, new guys to wake desire, then despise, then dump me and leave this dumb bitch
    You and I had a VIP entrance to the emergency room
    Now I wanna go on, I wanna be loved again, I wanna smile and laugh and move on

    3. Lord, Jesus, Saints and Saviors, God and Angels, give him to me
    What’s the fucking point with falling in love again, if it just makes me this unhappy?
    Lord, Jesus, Saints and Saviors, God and Angels, give me his love
    I’ll do anything, exactly anything, here’s my mind, here’s my blood

    Narcissus

    1. They forgot to write that song about the widow who was given her life back
    Just to get robbed of it, crash-land, get her heart broken again
    You see it like we always break up, I see it as we always end up together
    I fuck up but I do it just to prove our “nevers” don’t mean anything

    Ch. Narcissus, let me open your heart
    Narcissus, I write your name on my skin
    Narcissus, I sleep with your toothbrush pressed to my lips
    Narcissus, give me a chance, let me in

    2. All the clocks in my house show different time
    To keep me running, to jumpstart my mind
    I’m/it’s  the longest relationship you’ve never had, that’s got to account for something
    Well excuse me if I sometimes forget how to play
    I’m not the one who set up the rules
    I don’t want to wash my hair, it still wears the scent of your cologne

    Ch. Narcissus, let me open your heart
    Narcissus, I write your name on my skin
    Narcissus, he died on the cross but oooh, you baptized me
    Narcissus, I love you, let me win

    Br. It’s scary to love someone without the ability to recognize love
    I’ll do it, but not at any cost, I don’t do at any cost anymore
    You underestimate us, you don’t know what we are
    But our “nevers” don’t mean anything
    Our “nevers” don’t mean anything
    Our “nevers” don’t mean anything
    Our “nevers” don’t mean anything

    Ch. Narcissus, please open your heart
    Narcissus, I write your name on my skin
    Narcissus, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
    Narcissus, I love you, let me in

    White Car

    1. Desperation and confusion IRL, so I ask for you to answer me in my dreams
    So you crash your white car into my mama’s car, how the fuck am I supposed to know what that means?
    I’ve started making progress as I’ve come to my senses, but I lost my marbles in the process instead
    So with a smile you crash a white car into my mama’s car just to show you’re not gone, you’re just dead

    2. The what ifs are hanging like a coat on my back, I’ve got the what if decease it seems (the what ifs)
    Been hit by a truck, a few men, but this white car, I really don’t have a clue what you mean (on my back)
    I wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for you, cause you fucking bailed on me (when I dream)
    This crashing a white car into my mamas car business, is that some form of apology?

    3. I’m begging for forgiveness, and I’m begging you for answers, I beg you’ll give them to me when I sleep (sound of ghosts)
    So you crash a white car into my mama’s car, and I really don’t know what that means (when I wake)
    Family libido, working class libido, married guy libido and then I obsess
    Do you crash a white car into my mama’s car just to say you always were the biggest mess? (bail on me)

    4. I’d like to walk here with you, I’d like to show this to you, I’d like to share this with you but I can’t (walk here with you)
    Perhaps you crash a white car into my mama’s car just to prove you’ll always be my man (show you grace)

    Dead, Dead Horses

    1. I’m always beating dead, dead horses
    Try to resurrect what is long gone
    Try to save what can’t be rescued
    Fighting battles that can’t be won

    2. So I always wind up empty handed
    Don Quixote and yet another meaningless crusade
    Exercise my demons to make ‘em stronger
    Sayin’ “at least my fractures are handicraft, man-made”

    3. I’m always beating dead, dead horses
    Building things that I know won’t last
    2 years a missing chapter since my babe died
    Everything happens for a reason… my ass!

    4. So I always wind up empty handed
    Cause I scare them all off with the stories I tell
    Then again, I guess you can question
    If you’re a real femme fatale if you scare only yourself

    5. So I keep on beating dead, dead horses
    Still trying to save when I know it’s too late
    Keep on hoping for a new chance, new romance
    Try to recover, try to replace

    Sugar Rush

    1. I don’t want to do this/ go through this
    I just want a quick fix
    I just want a new man
    One who dies after I do
    I know I fuck around, know I’m acting like a whore
    But it’s you that I love/want, only you that I adore

    Ch. My sugar rush
    My sugar rush

    2. I just want a mercy fuck
    Mercy fuck me baby
    I’m gonna close my eyes for a second
    And for a change/that second it ain’t gonna be him that I see
    And I know I jump all men, know I’m acting slut a slut
    It’s just my way of trying to fool myself that I forgot

    Ch. Ah, ah
    Ah, ah, ah
    Ah, ah
    Ah, ah, ah

    Br. Dribble, drobble, wibble, wobble, here we go once more
    Cross my legs and hope to die, he’s there outside my door
    He kicks me down, we tumble round and round down on the floor
    And he fucks me like I’ve never been fucked before

    Ch. My sugar rush
    My sugar rush

    3. Don’t you dare be mad at me
    Don’t blame me for this
    Blame your own fucking dying
    Blame your own Judas kiss
    I hate that I’ve adopted your self-destruct routine
    Since I know quick fixes didn’t work for you
    And they don’t work for me

    Ch. My sugar rush
    My sugar rush

    Doggie

    1. Daddy don’t die on me
    Not quite yet
    I still need a favor
    I just have a slide show
    And I need some help
    To straighten my case out

    2. The thing is I was born dead
    My mama had a still born child (me)
    There ain’t a lot you can do ‘bout that/death
    The door blew shut in my face
    In your home I saw a hook
    That seemed to hold a hanging body
    Tired of being mad
    We had a messy love life
    No we didn’t have nothing
    Absolutely nothing

    3. Cause my mama had a still born
    So I walk the streets in my black veil
    I visit my own grave
    And nobody knows
    And nobody sees
    Nobody knows, but me

    4. The Madonna has fallen
    The angels’ wings burned
    The sheets lost their whiteness
    Fool forgot when she learned
    How I miss my innocence
    It’s what made me different from the rest
    I never use the word love again
    I made it a dirty mess
    He was my master, the lord of the universe
    The king, the everything, I need him so badly

    Ch. Two legged dog, come to daddy, sit in lap
    Up it jumps, like a frog
    Come to daddy, roll over
    Flipping, turning, how mad, that dog
    Lay my doggie, lay, the dog lays, the dog obeys
    Bark you hairy filthy monster
    I will bark at your command, barking lying on the ground
    I have had enough of you, leave, never, never, doggie pleads
    Doggie, I demand you die, sorry master already done that

    5. Daddy don’t die on me
    Not just yet
    Lift my head, lift me
    I fall on my own, can’t stand straight
    Your interest wasn’t of that kind
    Wouldn’t have helped anyway

    6. You don’t want a girlfriend
    Who don’t know what you say
    Why can’t impress you
    Or anyone else, in any kind of way
    You shouldn’t think I want you
    I just need guidance, cause I’m really lost

    7. What have I learned from this?
    Absolutely nothing
    I ruined what was over
    Before it even begun
    Living minute to minute now
    And every minute hurts
    I need him, is that so awful?
    To have him, too much to ask for?
    7.40.18 that’s the time that he dies
    Infrared chisel eyes, infrared chisel eyes

    8. He said, I’m not unhappy
    Cause I know we’ll meet again
    Not thinking he was supposed to be
    Unhappy that I left
    You know I’m not the kinda girl
    You can do this kinda thing to
    Cause I never live to tell about it
    Neither will you
    I learned one thing though from all this baby
    To never date a man, with a caller id

    Ch. Man stepped on a bus to hell, asked me to come with
    Of course I did
    I follow him anywhere, even to hell
    He threw me off, I found myself riding in a car to hell
    He drove me to a different hell, away from yours

    Marla

    Ch. Marla le roi, he ain’t got nothing on you
    Den teflonsjälade smutsiga horan, that we all knew
    He steals, he tries to break all your maids minds
    Marla my dear, you better look out for your son too

    1. You don’t exist, tu n’existe pas, you’re just a sonic bomb
    You won’t shut up but you can’t hurt me physically
    You’re a good influence, on a chic that’s supposed to die
    Supposed to jump from buildings, hang from ceilings, swallow the pills she’s got left according to her destiny
    “Next time I’ll cook only healthy meals
    To the next man I’ll cook only healthy food”
    The puppy love bitch couldn’t make it, I guess
    Due to unwholesome excuses from you fucking amateurs

    Ch. Marla le roi, he says he’ll light not candles
    It’s just prosopagnosis, vs an eternal anti-orgasm
    You’ll die and like Phoenix you’ll rise from your ashes to take on his form

    2. “I allowed myself to get sloppy, sloppy, it won’t happen again
    I allowed you to make me sloppy, it won’t happen again
    I allowed myself to feel again, be sure it won’t happen again
    This one’s closed and won’t reopen, ever, ever again
    To all you unprofessional peeps out there, from now I reserve all platonic love for myself
    And if I seem slightly palliative, it’s just may BDD kicking in again”
    Ding dong, the bitch is gone

    Ch. Marla, metal’s the road to women liberation
    Your soldier died and left no heir behind
    And you got the fucking nerve you scream, you have no fucking right

    3. I see you on the barricades, I scream from the barracades
    I’m just a chaos junkie on the barriers
    Screaming from my balcony
    Guess that parthenogenesis would come in handy
    Don’t worry Marla, it’s just phantom pain
    Seem female foeticide had been suitable
    To save us from this crazy reine
    They were right those who despised me
    Every single one of them were right
    I who thought they were narrow-minded was proven wrong, they knew all along, how amazing they can see straight through me when I can’t

    Ch. Marla le roi, I think that he might kill you
    Don’t you dare laugh in the guillotine
    Even if you don’t give a fuck, it’s impolite to the crowd who’s watching
    It falls, she dies, le roi will take on a less crazy wife
    Marla, ma reine, look out for every single man

    Hard Not To Jump

    1. I was 15 the first time I almost died
    First time a man stuck a gun to my side
    He said he would kill me, I didn’t care if he fired
    So I kept walking

    2. And that doctor who raped me when I was only twelve
    Didn’t scream, didn’t cry, kept it all to myself
    Didn’t press charges, how many little girls have you fucked since then?
    I won’t be talking
    All the beatings I’ve taken, all the mess I cleaned up
    The crimes I committed when the going went rough
    I tried to save someone, won’t do it again
    Cause I suck at saving, and sometimes it’s me who need aid

    Ch. Cause it’s hard not to jump
    It’s hard not to go
    Not jumping takes all my effort
    And I really don’t know what for
    It’s hard not to jump
    Not jumping is hard to do
    It’s hard not to give in
    When everybody wants you to

    3. There’s an angel falling from a building
    And the bullets around his head are flying
    The cops aren’t supposed to be firing
    But they’ve got their phone books and their tricks up their sleeves
    I bring the amas, Phyllis, Laodamia and Briseis
    We jump from the 8th floor and land on the streets
    Is that what they call a window of opportunities?

    Ch. Cause it’s hard not to jump
    It’s hard not to go
    Not jumping takes all my effort
    And I really don’t know what for
    It’s hard not to jump
    Not jumping is hard to do
    It’s hard not to give in
    When everybody wants you to

    Br. We’re the same, with all the filthy old men that used to fuck us
    We’re the same, Christ how much blood is there to see?
    We’re the same, cause no one else will ever love us
    We’re the same, cause I will jump and then we’re dead both you and me   

    Ch. It’s too hard not to jump
    It’s too hard not to go
    Not jumping takes all my effort
    And I really don’t know what for
    It’s too hard not to jump
    Not jumping, is too hard to do
    It’s too hard not to give in
    When everybody wants you to

    Methkicking

    1. I told you “I think about you only once a day, but that it last 24 hours”
    You answered: “baby, without you, I rot and die”
    Who can blame the world for being jealous
    (who can blame ‘em) that they ain’t got a love like ours
    I took on anything to make you mine
    Before I met you I was aiming for my death
    Now baby, listen, I’m gonna kick that meth

    Ch. Meth kicking, Meth kicking, Meth kicking
    Meth kicking, Meth kicking, Meth kicking

    2. I said “babe I hope that you don’t hate me cause you’re always in my, my fucking heart”
    All that hatred that made me self medicate
    Seems I was given a second chance to make a new start
    But sometimes baby, I can’t help it, it all gets black from the hatred
    I have hated myself all this time, so have everyone else
    Only you have ever loved me, and for you I’ll quit my man cutting

    Ch. Man cutting, man cutting
    Man cutting, man cutting, mad man cutting

    3. I said "baby I wish you could walk in my shoes, only for a day"
    There’s no way in the world you would survive
    All that I’ve done, seen and been, you wouldn’t believe
    When you were still playing with Barbie dolls, I watched my first friend die
    Sometimes I think I’m a really bad person, and I think you do too
    It’s just hard to believe anyone could love me, as much as you do, but for you
    I’ll quit my me kicking

    Ch. Me kicking, me kicking
    Me kicking, me kicking, me kicking

    (by Sara Lodin & Rudy Du Jardin)

    5 Hair

    Intro. 5 Hair, 5 Hail, 5 Hair

    1. Giving birth on a cliff with the vultures and crows flying about attacking and nibbling my feet
    Waves crashes and gray skies, in a gray dress, giving birth to a black eyed black haired daughter with a secret name
    Named after victims of feminicide, rape and widows, like the one I became 
    The firstborn was a son, of the twins first he came 
    The waves crash around us, but only I remain 
    Losing you, losing future, losing our children 
    Weddingcans replaced with bouquets hate, hate, hate em 

    Ch. 5 hair ripped from the man who is gone 
    One day I’ll use them to clone You’ll be reborn
    5 hair ripped from the glorious head they grew upon 
    One day I’ll clone you and raise you as my son 

    2. Giving birth on a floor in a room with apricot walls, disguised as turquoise 
    He stretches over and tears the things from the desk (to wake me) when the pain kicks in and dead maggots crawl out of my womb 
    12 children what do we name ‘em?
    Noel, Nathanael, Gabriel, Daniel, Sebastian, Christian 
    Aurora, Nadine, Natalia, Cayenne, Olinda (Hilla) plus the secret name 
    12 disciples and you in the middle 

    Ch. 5 hair ripped from the man who is gone 
    One day I’ll use them to clone You’ll be reborn 
    5 hair ripped from the glorious head they grew upon
    One day I’ll clone you and raise you as my son 

    3. Giving birth to a stalactite nosed daughter, out of my stalactite eyes 
    The girl whose name ain’t a well kept secret, out of your ashes she’ll rise 
    When this life is all over, the only ones I’ll thank, the only ones I’ll be indebted to 
    Are my imaginary friends, they’re the ones who helped me through 
    My house has burned down to the ground, where the hell do you hide when even God’s an arsonist? 
    Cause who the fuck are you trying to fool you dumb bitch? Your man is long gone and no children exist 

    Ch. 5 hair ripped from the man who is gone 
    Good luck you dumb bitch with your carrying on 
    5 hair ripped from the glorious head they grew upon.
    You dumb fucking bitch, you always knew you would wind up alone

    Chemicals

    1. Our home has turned into a mausoleum 
    A true Artemisia I’ve become 
    I kiss chemicals and taste you
    Baby come home 

    (Come back to me, Rudy)

    2. Een bloedklonter in z’n hart and a stake through mine 
    The vampire chase is on 
    Territorial me, I’m dust too 
    Rudy, come on home 


    3. I’ve given up like Keyser Söze 
    The family killer I’ve become 
    I sacrifice anything to anyone 
    Just to get you home 

    4. A new dimension of knowledge 
    Salvador Dali I’ve become 
    I’ve given fakearama a new interpretation 
    Rudy come home 

    5. Sacral from earthly and human 
    A god you have become 
    The Holy Grail you are now 
    Rudy just come home

    6. Needle, bottle, pills 
    You I have become
    You I am now 
    Baby just come home 

    7. I’ve lost all my symbols 
    The drama queen’s dead and gone
    I kiss chemicals and smell you 
    Baby please come home 
    I’ve lost all my symbols, I’ve lost all my symbols
    I kiss chemicals, I kiss chemicals

    Love Love Lover

    1. I cut my hair 2 times since you died 
    The weeks pass fast, it’s been 4 months tonight
    And my friends are all changing subjects, I guess to them your yesterdays news
    So they nag and moan and complain bout their lives 
    Repress and wallow, that’s their words of advice 
    But I have no idea how I’m supposed to recover 
    How do you recover from the death of your lover? 

    Ch. Love love lover burned to ashes 
    Melting eyeballs, burning eyelashes 
    Cut up from the chin, cut up blue skin 
    On my love, love, lover

    2. My friends all says that I need to push through
    That I need a doctor, someone to talk to 
    And boy do I feel stupid, I kinda thought that was what friends were for 
    They all say they feel sorry for me
    As if anyone ever was helped of pity 
    How to heal is yet to discover
    By the one who lost her love love lover 

    Ch. Love love lover in a burning coffin 
    Pot full of ashes, a priest sends/sent you off and 
    I stay here and watch you rest by the side of your beloved brother 

    3. I’ve become the saddest love story they’ve ever heard 
    They won’t comfort me, afraid to use the wrong words 
    But just like all girls hate their happiest friend, they hate the friend that’s the most unhappy 
    Cause the truth is they hate me cause my grief make ‘em feel
    Ashamed cause they fake their torments/to fake their torments and they envy me for suffering for real
    But I have no idea how I’m supposed to stop suffer 
    Stop suffer after the death of my lover

    Ch. No love lover for the family dinner
    Empty plate, empty place, leaves more space for the living 
    Somehow life goes on
    For everyone but me and my love love lover 

    Rite Of Passage

    1. All the morning trees in the garden of grief are dead, but no more trees are gonna die in your name
    My grief wasn’t bigger than anyone else’s weep no more, never again I’ll bathe with you, wash you and dry you, ain’t that a shame
    I jumped for you, it was rough, but not as hard as it will be, when it’s all over, I know what the last line will be
    This might take the rest of the night, but that’s better than the rest of my life, this has to stay between me
    I read to you, admire it, a special little killer speech, I’ll never have another hero again
    We were dehydrated, drank positive energy, maybe you were my birthday, dance for me, be happy my friend

    Ch. No more hours in chains, no more time in shackles
    This is a rite of passage

    2. I glorified my grief, placed it on a pedestal, adored my hurt, it gave me a reason I didn’t really need back then
    I know you knew nothin’, still embarrassed, you’re wrong, but that no longer is my problem
    It was good to keep up envy energy, hating you instead of me
    I’ll try not to wake up my dead cat Cleopatra, who’ll open my door and warm my belly

    3. No more cryin’ for you bitches, I carried more than you all by myself
    There’s nothing I can do anymore for you, and won’t let you stop me from living again
    Bitches you stood me up, when I fell to the floor in silly attacks
    But I’m not embarrassed, cause you gave embarrassing a brand new dimension, cowards
    Not even drugs can explain your behaviour, you should have seen yourself
    Know nothing, wonder if you’re still alive, I’m cutting you out
    It didn’t mean that much to you, now you don’t mean that much to me, my grief’s no bigger than that

    4. I won’t spend another hour, aching for people who don’t weep for me
    You’ve kept me awake for far too long, wondering “can pretty people really be that unhappy?”
    Wondering would you still not care for me, if you saw me like this, haven’t I said this before?
    I’m over it now, I’ll forgive you, till then I try not to resort to violence, that’s as far as I can go
    Draw a map, a diagram, sort everything out, brown dog
    False beginnings, did you really take it that hard?
    Stupid girls, are not as cute as they think, I drink from the glass, brand new start

    Ch. No more hours in chains, no more time in shackles
    This is a rite of passage

    Outro. I fail to weep or go to sleep, a rite of passage to pass through
    I know now you wished that I just remained unhappy, but I didn’t and now I forgive you

    Sacrifice (To Whoever Got Him Now)

    1. Here you go my enemy
    He’s all yours now 
    I nursed and clothed and fed your son
    And now you want him back 
    As soon as I walked into his life 
    You pulled your hand away 
    But now it’s your time to cry
    He’s your sleepless night 
    Your worried day
    First birth, death, then rebirth, now redeath and I choke on the memory
    Of me sitting in a taxi praying God, if I ever have to die, right now is great for me

    Ch. And you don’t know what it’s like
    To be the one left behind 
    No you don’t know what it’s like 
    To be the one left behind 

    2. Our synchronized hearts have stopped beating 
    Don’t think for a second you’re alone 
    My life is over just like yours
    It’s no coincidence also my name’s on your gravestone
    Everything they did to you 
    I have to pay for 
    Cause you forgot the most important ground rule 
    Your past is not my fault 
    And I pray “please God kill the other six billion, and give him back to me”
    We start anew, a brand new world, he a new Adam, me a new Eve

    Ch. And you don’t know what it’s like 
    To be the one left behind 
    No you don’t know what it’s like
    To be the one left behind 

    3. I can not come to terms with the transformation 
    How you turned from my darling/baby, (so) full of life 
    Into a statue of Stefano Maderno set in color 
    Or a portrait by Dürer or of Christ 
    Everything they did to you 
    You paid back with impudence 
    Cause you forgot the most important ground rule 
    The unforgivable can not be avenged 
    We were supposed to be together forever and ever, I thought we both agreed
    God, I didn’t say I wanted to die, I just think it would be the best for me

    Ch. And you don’t know what it’s like 
    To be the one left behind 
    No you don’t know what it’s like 
    To be the one left behind 

    Br. Expect the worse, expect the worst, then getting the worst, then getting the worst, shoved down my/your throat 
    Come to realize there are no safe ways, there are no safe days, there’s no safe time, there are no safe rides, there are no safe doors
    No, you don’t know what it’s like to be left behind on your own
    Then again I have no idea what it’s like to die on a floor alone 
    You buried your brother and now it’s your time to fall 
    So who more needs to die for us to be equals?

    4. Very soon my enemy 
    “He’s all mine”, you said 
    I begged “Please don’t take him 
    Take me instead”
    There were lots and lots and lots of love in your heart 
    But not enough time to pull you through 
    I guess if God let his own son die 
    Then why not you? 
    No my love, I refuse to accept, I refuse to let you go, I will not set you free 
    Every time I hear the door slam I pray, “please let it be him coming home to me” 

    Ch. And you don’t know what it’s like 
    To be the one left behind 
    No you don’t know what it’s like 
    To be the one left behind 

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